I saw a story in the Chicago Tribune about how red-winged blackbirds were attacking pedestrians and cyclists along walkways in Chicago. The Tribune story, to which I have linked, even has photographs of a blackbird attacking a cyclist.
No how, no way did the poor cyclist deserve such mistreatment.
The attacks are so common that residents in the area have nicknamed one of the most ferocious birds “Hitchcock,” after that director’s film of birds gone bad.
The photograph from the Tribune shows the offending blackbird poorly; I have a photo of a genuine agelaius phoeniceus so readers can get a better look at this threat from above. See you yourself —
If you look closely, you can almost make out a smirk on the little miscreant’s beak.
What’s wrong with the people of Chicago, cowering before a pesky little blackbird? Stand tall, city of the broad shoulders, hog butcher to the world!
Besides, America has the technology to handle a problem like this: fight blackbirds with the Blackbird.
America should bring her own Blackbird, a Mach 3 spy plane, out of retirement to handle this avian menace. The Pentagon spent a lot of money for Lockheed’s über-cool, super-fast plane, the SR-71 Blackbird. They cost over thirty million apiece, back when thirty million meant something. Stick a few guns on this thing, and Hitchcock the blackbird will meet his match in Lockheed’s SR-71 Blackbird.
Here’s a short video of the Blackbird plane in flight.
Guaranteed, this will scare the feathers off any agelaius phoeniceus, especially if the plane swoops through the canyons of Chicago’s skyscrapers on the way to its target. A little machine gun fire, a rocket or two, some flares, and the problem’s solved.
The SR-71 Blackbird is proof of great American engineering; according to a website I found, engineers with slide rules designed the plane. Birds can’t even read slide rules, and even if they could, I don’t think that their little feet could manipulate the slide properly.
We have no reason to defer to them.
Chicago – be strong. Defend your city!
Meanwhile, there are probably 500 Chicago municipal corruption cases that the Tribune hasn’t even covered…
Nice to see that the paper has its priorities straight. They’re almost ready to join a chain of Wisconsin weeklies…