What to make of a local politician who talks local, but writes for a publication that depends on the out-of-town merchant to survive?
You might think that’s, well, a contradiction, paradox, puzzle, conundrum, or just really messed-up scene, but why be so imprecise about it?
Here at the FREE WHITEWATER Division of Advanced Scientific Inquiry®, top-notch, privately-funded scientists have devised the Local-o-meter Credibility Index.
The Credibility Index measures the number nostalgic columns and local advertisements, as a percentage of all ads in the paper. (Nostalgic columns, such as “Remember when…” are counted as ads to give the paper the benefit of the greatest number of local ads.)
The combination of local ads (for honest-to-goodness Whitewater merchants) and nostalgic columns are considered against the presence of out-of-town ads, those asking for consumers to shop outside Whitewater.
To shop, actually, even in revolting places, like Elkhorn.
The higher the percentage of local ads of all ads in the Whitewater Register, the greater the credibility of the paper as a local paper. The greater, too, the credibility of local-talking politicians who have weekly columns in the paper.
A low percentage, however, would suggest that local talk stops where out-of-town merchants’ interests begin.
Keep in mind — I think you should shop anywhere you want. The point I want to make is that when politicians talk ‘local,’ they should write for publications that have lots and lots of local advertisers.
Here’s the April 9th edition of the Index.
(Note — ads counted do not consider that many out-of-town ads are larger than local ads, and all counting was done while drinking Spotted Cow. Also, only the first section of the paper was surveyed, since normal people probably ignore the rest of the paper anyway.)
| Local-o-meter Credibility Index | |
|---|---|
| Nostalgic Local Columns + Whitewater Ads | 16 |
| Out-of-Town Merchants’ Ads | 36 |
| Credibility of Local Boosterism | 30.7% |
That’s only a 30.7% level of credibility. That’s pretty darn low. By reference, Division of Advanced Scientific Inquiry® researchers note that even a kid who tells his teacher that his dog ate his homework has a 33% level of credibility, and a 40% level if the dog’s not eaten in the preceding twelve hours.
We’ll have to see how April 16th’s measurement compares…