I sometimes receive questions from faraway places, from readers for whom rural America is the stuff of movies and books, but not direct experience. Someone once asked me how many cows there were in Whitewater. The question’s funny to anyone who lives in the City of Whitewater, Wisconsin, but not to someone who knows that Wisconsin is a major dairy state. The calculation would run like this:
Dairy State + Rural Town = Cows All Over the Place.
That’s not what life here’s like, and I decided to offer out-of-town readers a tour, of sorts. One early morning in December, I decided to take a driving tour of Whitewater, with a voice recorder to store my remarks, and a camera to take a few pictures.
For a trip around town like this, I thought I’d take on a co-pilot. There’s no better company for an expedition than a faithful canine.
My dog agreed, setting only one condition for the trip — that he could have a pseudonym of his own. He thought about it for a moment, mulled different choices, and settled on Dog X. So it would be — Dog X and I would travel around Whitewater by car, looking for cows. It was our brief, around-town homage to Travels with Charley.
I recorded my observations, and have transcribed and reproduced them, in italics, below. I have not printed everything that I recorded, just a few remarks as Dog X and I searched for cows. Interspersed are some photos I took along the way.
….It’s about 9:26, Dog X and I are in the car, we’re going to let the car warm up a bit, and then we’re going to take a trip around Whitewater. We’ll see what we can see, we’ll get some food, and look
for cows around town….This is just a ride through town this morning….Our first stop will be Whitewater’s Municipal Building, the Locus of All Evil in the Modern World. Not as bad as Elkhorn, though.
That’s our county seat, and there we have the closest thing to a modern day Palace of Pandemonium….
I need to get some money from a cash machine, so I’m going to stop, in this case, at the crappiest bank in town. Unfortunately, that would be my bank. I think it’s actually listed that way in the Yellow Pages….
There aren’t a lot of people in town this morning, and it’s below freezing outside. We’ll grab some food before we start….Dog X and I are early-risers, but that’s pretty typical around this community. People get up early, and eat [dinner] early. The only people who don’t get up early are usually bureaucrats….
In Wisconsin, a lot of cash machines are called Tyme machines. I think the person who thought of that became governor, senator, something big, no doubt….
There’s a guy on a bicycle, riding past, but not likely for exercise. It’s awfully cold, but he’s riding for transportation, I think. We tease about other countries where people need to rely on bikes, but we have a lot of poor in Whitewater, and it may the only way for them to get around….
[stop for cash, back to car, off to municipal building]I stopped at a local coffee shop, not far from a lake in town (Cravath Lake) and the Locus of Evil in the Municipality our Municipal Building. (Note: See how I’ve tempered my words from my narration, ‘locus of all evil’ — to ‘locus of evil in the municipality?’ It shows how delicate I can be.)
I stopped in the coffee shop, purchased a medium latte and a raspberry croissant. The total was only five dollars — far less than one might pay in Chicago or New York. There was local photographers’ work for sale on the walls of the shop, and I promised to l remind myself to stop back for something I liked.
The barista was pleasant and friendly; very typical of most shops in Whitewater. There’s a private charm to our town that political mistakes and excuses cannot obscure.
When I went back to my car, I gave Dog X a biscuit from my coat pocket.
….I’m going to go into the Cravath Lakefront Park now, and get a
picture of the area of the lakefront, and a train depot that’s nearby.
Here’s what they look like:
Lovely, aren’t they? No cows, though.
I’ll take a picture of the municipal building….There’s no one around, and that’s disappointing, really. I’d love to meet a municipal leader like the city manager or the chief of police today….It’s probably not a good idea that they’d be working at this hour, though. I’ll stick with the less-is-more view of governance. We don’t need more schemes in Whitewater, we need fewer.
I’ll stop and take a picture of this drab, dull, impersonal building. No charm, no style, it could be a junior high somewhere….
Here it is, an ugly building with a silly name (it should be ‘City Hall’):
The street that the municipal building is on is called Whitewater Street, and driving down it, there’s a lumber yard at the end of the street. There’s a holiday tool sale in progress. We’re coming up on Whitewater and Janesville, and I’ll turn left and head down to a notorious intersection….this is probably the closest thing that we have to a real traffic problem. There’s no way that anyone else from anywhere else would think of it that way, but it’s a problem to us.
There’s also a crossing by the campus, where students keep getting hit by cars, and I don’t think that anyone’s found a way to make that safe, either.
I’m driving down through an old part of town, past Whiton Street.
It’s very common here for people to take fallen leaves, bag them, and place them along the side of the house for insulation, around the foundation. It’s something one may not see in other parts of the
country, but it’s common here.
I can see a sign from an out-of-town realtor. I remember a time when pretty much all the realtors were local, but that’s not true anymore. There’s out-of-town competition now. There’s a farmer on the left, and he puts produce out in a cart for people to purchase.
You can pass some of these homes, and it’s December, and they still have pumpkins out, even though it’s way past Halloween. Anyone with a pumpkin out now needs to buy himself a calendar, because it’ll be Christmas soon. I’m surprised there isn’t a city ordinance making this a seasonal violation. That’s absurd, of course, but we regulate
colors of signs, and sizes of signs, and lots of other aesthetics. Next up, pumpkins…
I’m going to turn left now, into our high school parking lot. Even though we’re a small town, we have a big high school. It’s a nice building. It has hundreds of students, all in a very modern building.
Behind the high school is an aquatic center, that was originally local, became part of a nearby hospital’s properties, and is local again. It’s doing much better now under local management. It’s an indoor pool, with water park, and a fitness center….
One of the things that’s true about a lot of small communities is that the school district will have a bigger budget than the municipality. That’s true of us…this district covers more than one town, and has a bigger budget than the City of Whitewater. It may be about a third
again as big, I think….I’ll take a picture of the school….”
Here’s our high school:
It’s the Home of the Whippets, the school mascot. Not the cow, thankfully — the Whippet.
…There are some homes near the high school, but no cows.
There are houses with barn stars. A barn star’s a traditional decoration on the outside of someone’s home. Someone once asked me what a barn star on a home meant. Most barn stars don’t mean much at all. If someone has a barn star that’s dark or teal or copper, that’s
not a problem. If you find someone with a bright red barn star, that’s a real problem. Those homeowners are probably communists….that’s the signal they use to each other, to rise up against representative government and the free market, I think….There’s probably a city task force that’s working on the problem….
I’m going to head over to an elementary school in town, Lincoln School, Home of the Leopards. I’m not sure when they took that mascot, but it’s a good choice. A lot of people in town have American flags out, on the side of their homes, or long poles. It’s not a national holiday, but there’s a lot of simple, proud patriotism in a town like ours. I’m on Prince Street, and I’ll stop here in front of Lincoln School.
Here’s Lincoln School, Home of the Leopards:
There’s a dog outside, and he’s looking at us from his yard. It’s cold outside, but animals here are used to cold weather. Even a small dog like this one seems happy to be outside. Maybe dogs fear the cold in other places, but not here….
There’s a pumpkin in the middle of the street, for goodness’ sake….with a squirrel eating from it….That’s what happens when people leave pumpkins around.
Nearby is our college campus, and I’ll take a picture….There’s a crossing nearby that’s been a problem for pedestrians. I’ll take a picture of our campus’s alumni center.
Here’s the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater Alumni Center:
….Leopards, Whippets, Warhawks…no cows. Not one. Students
are probably getting ready for exams, and it’s quiet around here….I’ll drive to the west side of town, where we have some strip malls, a Wal-Mart, hardware store, and movie theater…We have a Walgreen’s, a bank, McDonald’s, a vacant storefront, vacant for a long time, that sued to be a Dairy Queen….
We have a few cash stores in town, and I’m not sure that’s a good sign. Some retail businesses will not locate to a strip mall with a cash store….if a merchant’s concerned about his brand’s image, he’s likely to stay away from a location with a cash store….
There’s a supermarket and a Wal-Mart on my right….and the famous Hawk Bowl Bowling Alley….there’s a Culver’s just beyond….
We have a Chrysler dealer, and that must be a challenging situation, since Fiat has a poor reputation in Europe….I have no idea what will happen to Chrysler, and Fiat probably doesn’t either.
There’s a movie theater and a Taco Bell at the edge of the west side of town…Every time I see Taco Bell, I think of Demolition Man, where all restaurants in the future are Taco Bells. I’m not sure why we
haven’t capitalized on that, with a slogan like….Whitewater: Fast Food of the Future….
….I’m passing the Birge Fountain, a water fountain in town, and a nursing home, through our downtown. There’s a Masonic Lodge in town, with the several blocks of our downtown. There’s a Whitewater Register sign, a sign for our local newspaper’s office. There’s a travel service, art studio, bars….a dry cleaner’s with taxidermy animals in the front window….post office….more bars….a Mexican restaurant that once had a mariachi band….and I’ll head over to the
east side….
….A Citgo, a Firestone, a liquor store, a beer store….there’s no place for a cow….
That’s not all of our town, surely, but there’s no room for a cow in any of this. There’s more cow artwork in big cities than we have cows in our town. And yet, we do have an ordinance against livestock in town:
Livestock ordinances:
9.06.010 Livestock.
No person shall raise, store or keep livestock within the city on land which is less than two acres in size. “Livestock” includes, but is not limited to, sheep, goats, horses, cattle, or pigs. Livestock does not include dogs or cats.
(Ord. 970 1, 1981).9.06.020 Zoning for livestock.
No person shall raise, store or keep livestock on any land within the city unless the raising, storing or keeping of livestock is either a permitted use or a conditional use under the zoning classification of such land.
(Ord. 1581, 2005).
As you can guess, there’s no need for it. People don’t decide for or against livestock merely because the law prohibits it. There’s no mad rush to purchase and raise cows in Whitewater, because it’s impractical to do so. People will decide rationally based on available conditions, and the few that choose foolishly will soon correct for their mistakes, or cause slight inconvenience to an entire town.
The ordinance, with it’s conditional use, is more likely to be applied in odd ways, with animals of greater harm permitted, and ones of less difficulty omitted or exempted. A dwarf goat’s probably less risk to others than bees. A few dogs might be a greater problem than a few chickens. The livestock provisions are unnecessary, and exceptions are a recipe for favoritism.
No herds of cows in Whitewater? No, sorry to say. I’d like to see a few walking around now and again. I think we’d do better with more cows, chickens, etc., and fewer regulations.