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Top-Secret, Ultra Hush-Hush Quadruped Directive No. 17

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The best approach for announcements in public policy & administration is a simple memo to the community. Open government is not only better in principle, it’s better in practice.

Consider two ways to discuss an event.

Let’s suppose the City of Whitewater’s municipal administration decides to erect a statue near Cravath Lake in honor of Gary Dahl, the creator of the pet rock. Dahl had no connection to Whitewater of which I’m aware, but he was innovative: he re-positioned rocks as pets, complete with an instruction manual for their proper care.

As city staff are erecting the statue on a pedestal, a piece of the sculpture’s big toe breaks off, and strikes a squirrel scampering by. The unfortunate creature is killed instantly. A small girl of about seven sees the accident, screams in horror, and faints.

After she’s revived, the city’s departmental directors ponder what to do, as they’re concerned that others will be similarly shocked at the accident.

They might choose from these alternatives:

Option 1

Issue an urgent memorandum to the members of Common Council, with the subject line, “TOP-SECRET, ULTRA HUSH-HUSH QUADRUPED DIRECTIVE NO. 17.”

The memorandum would relate the events of the morning, but caution that the account therein was confidential, lest there be a citywide uproar. Of particular concern would be the possibility that the nearby Maoist Animal Action League of Walworth County might learn of what happened, drive to the city in their aged VW van, and spread utter chaos through their customarily raucous leaflet-distribution schemes.

The memo would be emphatic on the need for secrecy, and generously peppered with the German words ACHTUNG and VERBOTEN.

Option 2

Promptly issue a news release telling the city that there was an accident during the installation of the Dahl statue, as a small piece broke off, killing instantly a squirrel walking underfoot. A girl witnessing the events was startled, momentarily fainted, but recovered quickly and was unharmed.

They are both options, and neither’s perfect, but Option 2 gives concise and prompt information on a public act to the public from whom all political authority ultimately derives. No fuss, no uncertainties, no counter-productive effort to make a public event into a confidential conversation.

I’d suggest Option 2.

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