Suppose Steve Spear is re-appointed municipal judge, or wins election in April 2008. What will our town do? The normal residents of Whitewater will need some way to reassure themselves that no untoward conduct will take place in the municipal judge’s chambers, or in open court.
Let me offer a few suggestions.
1. The Technological Solution. Although I am opposed to large public works programs, in light of the former judge’s possible return to office, I believe that we should make an exception. I propose that Whitewater undertake a full-scale scientific project aimed at developing a device that can detect bodily fluids in a courtroom, judge’s chambers, cloakrooms, and nearby broom closets. We can defend our community, and advance scientific accomplishment, at the same time. To encourage federal and state matching funds, we could give the device a catchy name. “Bio-fluid-ometer XL” or “Ejac-u-Detectinator 2100” are possibilities.
2. The America’s Pastime Solution. City Council could require that any municipal judge wear baseball mitts on both hands while at work.
3. The Transparency Solution. City Council could require that any municipal judge use a clear plastic shower curtain as a judicial robe, rather than a traditional — and opaque — black robe.
Rest assured — we can meet this challenge.